If I Perish, I Perish — A Heart Fully Surrendered
“If I perish, I perish… but I will trust Him still.” Like Esther.
There have been moments in my life where I felt completely overcome, where I didn’t understand what God was doing, where things felt uncertain, painful, and even unfair. And yet, deep in my heart, there was still this cry:
Lord, I’m trusting You… no matter what happens.
Why do I sing His praise?
Why do tears fill my eyes?
Why would I choose to live for Him and serve Him at any cost?
Because if you knew what my life was like before Jesus stepped in…
If you knew the mess He pulled me out of…
If you knew where I would be without Him…
You would understand.
From Lukewarm to Broken and Changed
For a long time, I was a lukewarm Christian. I knew about God, but I didn’t truly walk with Him.
But something changed when I began to truly reflect on how good God has been to me.
To me…an undeserving, unclean woman.
That reflection broke something in me… in the best way.
My relationship with the Lord changed dramatically.
I began to see His hand in everything—even in the things that once hurt me.
When God Removes Things (Even People)
Sometimes God has to remove people and situations from your life, not to harm you, but to shape you.
To mold you.
To prepare you.
In my life, God removed my parents.
That wasn’t easy. And maybe one day I’ll share more about that. But what I can say now is this:
I am thankful He did.
Because through that pain, God was doing something deeper in me, something I couldn’t see at the time.
If you’re in a hard season right now… trust Him. Even when it doesn’t make sense.
Learning What It Means to Be a Wife
God gave me a husband, and I didn’t understand at first what that truly meant.
I wasn’t in His Word.
I didn’t know my role.
And truthfully, I failed. A lot.
But God didn’t give up on me.
He began working on my heart.
As I grew in my reverence for the Lord, something unexpected happened,
I began to have a deeper reverence and respect for my husband too.
Not because he’s perfect.
But because of the role God gave him, and the role God gave me.
A Humble Calling
I began to reflect on Jesus…
How He humbled Himself.
How He came as a baby, born in a manger.
How He endured the cross.
Hebrews 12:2 — “For the joy that was set before Him endured the cross…”
That kind of love… that kind of humility…
That’s what I want to reflect.
Being a wife is humbling.
But it’s also beautiful.
I desire to serve my husband the way Christ served, through selfless love.
Not because I always feel like it.
But because I love Jesus.
Walking by Faith (Even Without a Plan)
God called my husband to preach.
And then… He told us to go.
We sold our home.
Packed what we had into a truck and U-Haul trailer.
Set the GPS to the church God led us to in North Carolina…
With no real plan.
We stayed in a cheap hotel for weeks.
But God provided.
He made a way.
And through that season, I realized something:
I didn’t fully understand what God was doing…
But I didn’t need to.
I just needed to trust Him, and support the man He called to lead our family.
Finding My Purpose
For a while, I wondered:
God is working and moving in my husband’s life but, “What is my place in all of this?”
And God answered me.
My purpose is to be a help meet.
To be the heart of the home.
To bring joy, even when it’s hard.
Joy is not always a feeling, it’s a choice.
And choosing joy… choosing to serve… choosing to smile…
That is an act of worship to the Lord.
A Changed Heart
I give my husband and my son to the Lord.
Because Jesus Christ is first in my life.
Without Him, I cannot be the wife or mother I’m called to be.
But with Him…
I can lay down my selfishness.
I can humble myself.
I can serve with love.
And in doing that, I’ve found something I didn’t expect:
Fulfillment.
Introducing my new Journal for Christian Women
Write the Word ♡
A 90 day scripture writing journal for women (KJV)
This journal was created to help you slow down, spend intentional time in God’s Word, and grow closer to Him through the simple but powerful practice of writing Scripture and prayer.
Write the Word is more than just a journal, it’s a guided 90-day journey designed to help you build your faith daily by reading, reflecting, and responding to God’s Word.
Inside, you’ll find a thoughtfully organized Scripture writing plan, along with space to write each verse, reflect on what God is teaching you, apply it to your life, and spend time in prayer.
Whether you’re sitting down for your morning quiet time, studying your Bible, or simply seeking a deeper relationship with the Lord, this journal is here to help you hide God’s Word in your heart and walk more closely with Him each day.
Final Encouragement
If God has been merciful to me, He will be merciful to you.
No matter how far you feel you’ve fallen…
No matter how long you’ve been lukewarm…
It’s not too late.
Get in His Word.
Read your Bible daily.
Pray.
And start remembering, truly remembering, how good God has been to you.
Because when you do…
It will change your relationship with the Lord, in a truly remarkable way.
